Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
