I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
