What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My penis needs a shock collar
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
