cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
