so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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