I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
