mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
