Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You ruined the universe
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
