Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
