it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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