How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
