I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
So vagazzling was a success
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
