you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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