Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I'm having to shit out rocks
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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