OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
