tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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