i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
