Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
