every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
