Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Randomize
