Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Randomize
