I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
