i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
