bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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