They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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