And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
