i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
