Your dad touched me again.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
