totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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