I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
