I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
