im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
im six kinds of drunk right now
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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