Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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