you're like a bully in the Christmas story
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
