I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
