Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
