i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
A+ Viking dick
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
