Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
