you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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