i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
