ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
wanna go halves on a baby?
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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