well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
