Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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