Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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