And the cops told us we were all naked.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
