My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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