i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
