Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
