I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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