I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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