Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
