I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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