being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
